pregnancy journal for new baby due: 2-11-04

Wednesday, July 23, 2003

Tuesday, July 22, 2003 8:28 AM CDT

I wrote this on my grief board, and just cut n pasted here:
As most if not all, of you know, I held the 1st annual K.Y.L.A. FEST this past Saturday, the 19th for National Water Safety & Remembrance Day.
I got a great big surprise Friday night with a call from Lea Owens, founder of Mothers For Water Safety Coaliton, saying she was here in town! She had driven 9hrs from north augusta, SC.

Thursday, the news came out and did a story, in which some of you got to see. Come Sat, the weather was hot, but luckily the rain held off until just yesterday. Not very many people showed. But I don't really care. My close friends did, however, dh's coworkers and others did not, and he is still upset by it. The band was great, and Lea spoke and got me an award for what I am doing, along w/ a few new baby items. The news came out again and got to film me again, and Lea, which aired on the 10 o'clock news. Also the newspaper came and took photos, and wrote a nice article, which covered the front page of the local/state section of this past sundays paper.
On monday, as dh was in staff meeting, they bragged about another's son being in that same section of the paper, but not the front! Not a word was mentioned about our event, so dh hung the article, for all to see! We are really beginning to hate those people there!

I just got word that Lea made it home safely, in time for her dog to give birth to 8 puppies! She writes this:
Hello everyone,
Just got back from Alabama and K.Y.L.A. fest.
just wanted to let everyone know that everything went well.
We did a television interview and a newspaper story with the Huntsville times.
When I returned home had several calls on the telephone form Huntsville from people all over asking how to put pool alamrs on there swimming pools and also wanting other information. Also reveiced several hunderd messages from people who need help and want to help. SO I feel things went well.
I want to thank Sarah for putting on K.Y.L.A. fest and doing everything that she did.
As soon as I get some pictures back will put the on the website.
I have a couple that I took with the dig camera.will write a report on everything and post it on the web soon.
Right now got to take care of our new puppies that were born yesterday minutes before we got home.
Our Jack russell had 8 puppies with 6 that survived.
Take care everyone.

Lea Owens Founder of M.F.W.S.C.
Mother to Harley Avery Malone Owens Lost to swimming pool drowning on 10-15-98.
Promomting Water Safety Across the United States & Remembering All Children Lost to Drowning and Water Related Accidents.

So, that being said, I'd say it was somewhat of a success. We did release some balloons, and lit a candle. I got the word out, and now the local news know who I am, so they can expect to hear more from me! And that is what is really important. We did raise a little money, and dh says he'll match it, but will have to dip into as we spent loads of & for the event, and need food!
I was warned that after this I'd might get depressed, and boy am I ever..!
I still don't feel I have anytime to grieve anymore. The girls fight constantly and drive me crazy. One has her daddy's temper, the other so dang emotional. They had 3 girls stay 2 nights, and that just caused more issues.. I will be happy once things get back to the sorta normal we had started again.
Dh has been crabby as well, and we got into it last night over something so miniscual (sp?) I walked away, and he left..his middle dd cleaned up. He is still asleep on the sofa, and I woke to horrible nightmares of, well, I'd rather not go into it. I don't know what is happening w/us lately, and I'm scared. I swear he wants the world to suffer along w/him. As many things bad have happened in his life. But aren't I? My moments of peace and serenity are altered and ripped away by him. I had found out my one best friend here got her results on biopsy, and it's not cancer! I worried and cried along with her. She is due w/in days of me. And I got news from medicaid, thinking the rejectiion letter, but nope, a new card, and saying acceptance! Imagine that! So, I go to new dr yesterday, and after an eternity, the nurse finally finds the baby's h/b! I was a nervous wreck! I'm already showing, and glad. After, I rewarded myself by buying my 1st pack of newborn diapers! And came home to some free formula!
I went to grief group last week, but mostly older women who lost a dh. Except one younger man who lost his wife and child. I plan to go to the H.O.P.E. (helping other parents endure) meeting this Thursday. It wasn't too bad, and I was surprised at how I cried. I've been so used to telling my story, to news, etc.. it was strange. I left feeling drained. I hope to make friends at the other one though. These people are trained out of Washington w/ Hospice, and not one mention of religion, so I was pleasantly surprised.
Well, I am going to go lay back down and try to figure out how to make it thru the rest of this day, week, life. I only posted b/c I knew that some of you really wanted to know, and and supported me thru-out. I will be going again, as I no longer find solitude here w/in this board. Take care my dear friends.
All my luv,

Friday, July 18, 2003 1:54 PM CDT

I just want to inform you that I bucked up and went to my 1st grief support group last night. I was late, and got turned around in the wrong section of the plaza, which happened to be the same place kyla's dr is! Luckily a lady was dropping off her kids, or else I would not have rung the bell to the door to get into the building! There were 10 of us, mostly older, and lost a spouse. I had to introduce my self, and explain why I was there. I was surprised how I lost it! And the tissues came immediatly over! There is a group meeting called H.O.P.E. (helping other parents endure) that meets 2x a month. And is next week, the day b4 Kyla's birthday, and on the 9mo anniversary of her death. I really want to go to that one. I don't think todd wants to go, but says he will if I want him too.. He thinks it's kinda hokey. And it was, and I'm not sure how it helps, but maybe the biweekly meetings will just help sharing this road we all walk on. I am proud of myself for getting out there, esp by myself! Feels like some sort of step on the road to recovery!

Things have been hectic! The girls not getting along, and waking us up late at night fighting, ugh...
And yesterday I had tv/newspaper interviews.. It should air on tonights news, and the article should be in sundays paper!
Things are going ok w/kyla fest, we're ready!

Todd got crabby earlier, about life and talking w/someone he doesn't like.. Over it now though.. err..

well, oh, got accepted for medicaid?! which was strange...I thought for sure the envelope contained my rejection letter! Guess not! So, I guess this means I'll get wic too! I meet for that on the 29th...and register for childbirth classes, hopefully same time as danielle. Just want that free carseat!
I go to dr Hogan on monday, can't wait! He'll deliver at CW, but medicaid won't pay, but we still may get me on insurance on time, or pay for hosp ourselves.. not sure yet, or I may just go to hh afterall, though don't want to.
Oh, I may be getting a doppler to listen to baby's h/b, but it'll have to wait 2wks, b/c kyla fest, and the truck esp, broke our budget!
ok, well , need to run to store.. and nap..


Wednesday, July 9, 2003 2:25 PM CDT

I forgot a date! I missed July 8th completely.. Not a major milestone or anniversary.. but all the same a date I usually remember. As you all know, Kyla drowned on the 8th and died on the 24th. So I've always remembered those two dates, ea mo.. Except today I realized it was the 9th.. And I breezed thru yesterday.. I guess b/c I've been so busy...
I only worry that this means I will soon forget the rest of the monthly dates.. and perhaps the important ones. I will always recognize Kyla the 3rd sat in July, and plan to hold KYLA fest annually.. And then there is her birthday the 25th.. I had a dr appt that day, but chose to change it to the earlier monday,21st.. I just did not want to go to the dr on her bday!
I guess I'm starting to 'move on' w/every day life...


Saturday, July 5,2003 11:30pm cdt

About 9wks!

Well yesterday was actually fun, for a sober pregnant chic like myself!
Danielle came over w/Legend and Tyler. They all spent he 4th w/us like last year. Except, no Kyla this year. It was nasty hot/humid. So we spent most of the day inside. I got some good video of the boys singing on Rachel's Karaoke machine.
Todd cooked some burgers/dogs/ribs. I tried to get a hold of Bobbie to no avail.
We all(w/rach, not sarah) piled into the truck and headed out to Point Mallard. I brought Roxy too, who did very well, and everyone had to pet her.

The day went prety well, there was one shower. We thought there would be more, so we scurried to the truck.. I was just worried about the camcorder. I put roxy in the front, b/c I knew she'd be scared of the fireworks. They were pretty good, but no comparison to Pittsburgh. Tyler was really tired and scared, poor guy!

After was the best part. I got to see Third eye Blind~ for free! I saw them probably 5 or so yrs ago down in 5pts in B'ham. That was great too, but this time I got to video tape it all! Now how cool is that?!
So, already, this baby has been to two concerts: 3rd eye blind and Jackyl.


Thursday, July 3, 2003 7:14 PM CDT

Ok, went to this site, a psychic predicts this, lol

That the baby will be born after 10hrs of labor, in the early evening, and will be windy outside. A boy, 7lbs, 15 oz and 18" w/light blue eyes and lots of hair

hmmm we shall see!


Thursday, July 3, 2003 1:31 PM CDT *

Well things are going ok.. I finally got to take a short nap last night! Just so tired! And frusterated b/c none of my shorts fit comfortable enough!
This is a busy month, with KYLA FEST, her birthday, and knowing several who's child drowned this month. One was a yr ago yesterday, another tomorrow on the 4th..

Not sure what we are doing. Rachel is here now. We may go to Point Mallard, as 3rd Eye Blind is playing for free, but can't find out what time or anything. So, we shall see.


Thursday, June 26, 2003 8:38 PM CDT

Well here I was complaing of no morning sickness! I'm so hungry, but nothing is appealing. And what I do put in my mouth is all disgusting! Wow what a change! Daddy made some nice salmon steaks again (last wk yummy, this, yuck) I couldn't even swallow a bite.. Oh what to eat?!

I'm feeling very emotional right now. I just got off phone w/friend, and that is fine. But then daddy's friend came by. I hardly know, and don't feel social. So I reckon I'm the pregnant shrew yet once again. I'm feeling very jealous right now! He didn't even ask if I wanted to go w/him to take this person home! Whatever!

Ok, mommy is done ranting for now...


Wednesday, June 25, 2003 4:48 PM CDT

Well, after a hard nights sleep, between being ill, and worrying.. I made it to the dr! He seemed to take forever! Daddy was in the waiting room, beginning to wonder!
Well, sure enough, there you were. I could see your big head and lil leg and arm buds! And sure enough, your heart beating strongly away! He turned up the sound so I could hear, and a tear rolled down my face! You are truely real! It is so comforting to know, to see you! Your h/b was like 158! Kyla's was always around 138-145! I've never seen it hit 150. They say lower h/b means boy, and higher girl.. Maybe I'm the other way around?! Part of me is really telling me you are a boy! I guess we'll have to wait another 8or 9 wks for that though!
He gave me a pic, and a due date of Feb 11th 04, which makes more sense then what the pc predicted! I go back to the dr July 23rd, Just b4 Ky's bday! I'm still not certain if I will stick w/this dr..I like him, and he delivered your big sis, but I really don't want to deliver at same place. So.. I am going to meet a certified nurse midwife in Athens and take a tour.. It may be cheaper anyway.. I really had my heart set on crestwood, and am preregistered there and HH, but looks like it may be ALH instead. I figure it's about the same distance.. So, we shall see in the next few weeks..
Well, that is all for now!


Tuesday, June 24, 2003 1:26 PM CDT

Well, this cold has gotten worse, and I feel like hell. I feel like an asthmatic, hard to get a good breath. I had horrible dreams last night that I was drowning!
It is 8 mos today since Kyla died.
The weather is hot! Yuck, but my car is running, thanks to your daddy! But now his truck is stuck at his office..
I haven't any morning sickness lately, so that has worried me. I have another ultrasound tomorrow and so nervous they will say I'm not pregnant! I just want to see the heart beat, and possibly hear it! I haven't any signs of a miscarriage, but I worry..
Just have to make thru till tomorrow!


Sunday, June 22, 2003 12:50 AM CDT

Finally nice weather! But not a nice day. Mommy's car has been broke down again, and daddy just called, his truck is now broke down. I know no one to call. I hope he doesn't have to walk here! Always something.. Mommy is getting a cold, and am feeling so tired. I can't believe my belly has grown 2" in just over 2wks! I have an ultra sound on Wed, I can't wait to see your heartbeat!

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